The Toe Rag

THE TOE RAG

A View Of The World From A Perspective Slightly East Of Perpendicular

Features

Articles - a collection of stories and articles which have no category.

The Think Tank - a local council committee set up to discuss new initiatives.

Health & Living - advice and articles on lifestyle.

Great People - meet some of the poets, thinkers and inventors of today and yesteryear.

Billy Hunt - Serialisation of the novel Equally Insignificant. A story of courage, fortitude and bullshit.

It's finally on the shelves, "The Sin Of Wages" the brilliant solo album by Forrester of Island was released in April to some acclaim.

For information on the album click here.

Available from all good record shops and even some bad ones too.

February 2010 - Warning: Some pages on this website contain colourful language.

A Love I Never Had

It’s a shame I couldn’t dance with you
Couldn’t dance at all
Shame I never caught your eye
Or any part of you
A sin to look at you
Eyes never met

It’s a shame you couldn’t talk to me
Couldn’t talk at all
Shame you never looked at me
Never saw my love
A sin to kiss your lips
Lips never kissed

Tomorrow you will be
A love of yesterday
Yesterday you were
A love I never had

It’s a shame I didn’t lie beside you
Didn’t lie at all
Shame you never saw me dream
Or dream I dreamed of you
A sin to think of feelings
Feelings never pure

Tomorrow you will be
A love of yesterday
Yesterday you were
A love I never had

I loved a girl I never met
Met a girl I never loved
In my head I speak my heart
But never a word is heard
Never a word of how I feel
How I feel for you

Tomorrow you will be

A love of yesterday

Yesterday you were

A love I never had

(Hutchinson / Forrester 2010)

andy@hutchie.com

Featured Artist

Forrester

This is track 5 from the new Forrester album currently in the making.

When I was at school I went out with loads of girls but never actually told any of them I was their boyfriend. I didn't really like to upset them, and besides I was rather shy, my God was I rather shy. Anyway, "A Love I never Had" is written for one such girl, who I went out with for one day, or no days if you happen to be in her shoes.

Court Drama

Last Tuesday Bridlinton Magistrates court witnessed a bizarre set of proceedings.

Unemployable, Ian Gow (pictured right), a 42 year old man of no fixed address appeared from custody to answer a charge of identity theft.

Gow's defense lawyer, Donald Howarth said that Mr Gow admitted stealing the identity of Bridlinton reporter Mike 'Scoop' Wilson but added, the next day

his client had tried to return the stolen identity to Mr Wilson, who refused to accept it back.

When asked about this Wilson said, "I've been trying to get rid of my identity for years, the thieving toe rag can keep it, screw him."

Wilson then stormed out of the courtroom after throwing a large sack of mail on the floor, shouting, "that's his latest batch of hatemail by the way."

The courthouse descended into uproar when Mr Justice Simpson, took the unprecedented step of suspending the proceedings pending psychiatric reports into both men.

Oil Have Some Of That

Dandelion & Burdock with Fruit & Nut Toblerone, what a great snack this makes. This snack is equally delicious in Summer or Winter but it is important to prepare it according to season. When it is warm outside serve from the fridge. When it is cold outside serve from a cupboard which is at room temperature.

The ingredients for this snack are available at Morrisons and if you go for the Dandelion & Burdock 2 pack you will be amazed at how little it costs to put it on the table. That's it, simple and delicious, that's my idea of snack heaven. But...

If you live in Scotland you cannot have this snack. That is because you can't get a good (or any for that matter) Dandelion & Burdock in Scotland. This is not the first contentious issue caused by a United Kingdom with differing resources. For example England had no oil but was delighted to avail herself of Scotland's. That's what being United is all about surely.

I am English but have spent time in Scotland where I researched shoulder chip removal methodology. The English are basically indifferent to the Scots but the Scots have a tendancy to express and harbour the emotion of hatred towards the English, often with a passion.

I don't think this is entirely down to Oil, Dandelion & Burdock or, since we are discussing national products, Irn Bru. I once saw an English version of Irn Bru, it was called Iron Brew but at least it tasted like pish and in that sense was compatible with it's Scottish near namesake.

I've done a bit of Algebra and come up with a formula to explain the antipaphy between out great nations. It is based on the fact that England has Dandelion & Burdock (hereafter referred to by chemical name D&B) and Terry Butcher whereas Scotland has Irn Bru (herafter referred to as pish) and Oil. It is important to understand that throughout history the drinks had the good sense to remain within their country of origin whereas the footballist Terry Butcher and oil crossed borders. Here is my formula:-

D&B + Terry Butcher IS NOT EQUAL TO Pish + Oil

D&B = Pish

Therefore

Terry Butcher IS NOT EQUAL TO Oil

Okay. To simplify that for the layman, we are happy to keep our drinks to ourselves but Scotland felt that getting Terry Butcher as an honorary Scotsman was a poor exchange for Billions of Barrells of oil.

In some ways these Scots do have a point. Still never mind eh.

Donald Where's Yer Trooser Sponsor?

As the football season draws to a close I am put in mind of the lowest point in the season if not my entire football watching life. It started when I got a new battery for my scooter and became mobile again, it was November I think.

Having a fully functioning scooter opened up many possibilities, not all obvious. For example, on this day in November I decided at about 2:40pm that I would get myself along to watch Bridlington Town AFC in the second round of The FA Vase. The ground at Queensgate is slightly beyond my comfortable walking range but far too close to go by car, so the scooter brings live football back into my life.

I studied a bit of form before leaving, Town won the FA Vase in 1993 and they beat West Allotment Celtic 6-1 in the first round. I calculated that they would therefore put three past Penrith today in the second round and that Penrith may or may not get one goal. I left home 4 minutes to kick off and was seated with my pie and bovril just as the ref blew to signal commencement of battle.

Nothing much happened for the first 8 seconds, then Penrith took the lead. Strickly speaking it was more like 6 seconds because I took 2 seconds to get my iPhone out of my underpants to check the time of the goal. Tip, if you have an iPhone, keep it in your underpants, it's often the last place a mugger will look and anyway, will he steal it if that's where it's been kept for the past year? I suspect not. So, it's one nil to Penrith and I settle back into my seat to watch the comeback.

In the 21st minute a helicopter flew quite low over the far stand and on the half hour mark I saw a train heading North or South, possibly to Scarborough or Hull.

As someone who does not know any of the local players I found it helpful that everyone around me knew everything there was to know. One chap even knew the marital status of the parents of the Penrith centre back and another chap knew the linesman had difficulty seeing without spectacles, which he was not wearing. The absolute highlight of the first half for me was when the guy sitting directly in front of me accused Bridlington of playing too much football!!!

Half time came as a great relief to us all I think.

The second half saw Bridlington continue their domination despite Penrith having more of the ball, missing a penalty and doubling there lead. I left 2 minutes before full time to avoid the rush. There were 190 people in the ground that I could see and there might have been more hidden for all I knew.

This was the second time I'd been to see Bridlington Town and both times they lost. When I got home I read the match programme and suddenly it hit me, a way to improve the players performance and effort. Near the back it lists all the players and who sponsors their shirt, their shorts and their socks. Of the 20 players listed only 6 had sponsors for their kit. I reckon in future players should only be allowed to wear something that has a sponsor. That'd liven 'em up a bit.

Disclaimer

Anyone named or referred to in fact or by explicit implication on this site may or may not be a real person and any views attributed to them may in all cases or in no cases be accurate or representative of what they may or may not think, state or perceive to be in the interests, best or otherwise, of any other person, named, unnamed, living or dead.